Dearest Loren,
Following are a bunch of words I should express to you in person; however, life being as it is lately, the written state is about as good as it will get. It’s not that life is bad, it’s just that our existence is hectic and out time together close to nothing. You are never far from my thoughts and today, your 17th birthday, this holds especially true.
The last year has not been a smooth one. You are growing, expanding, spreading your wings and my impulse to support you and help you fly is such that I often have to sit on my hands lest I hold you back in your effort to take flight. I don’t do this out of control or a need to hold you back, but rather a fear that you might fall, hurt yourself and then be wounded. This hovering of mine you hate and so I have held back, giving you space. The truth of it is that I miss you dearly. You are my first. My baby. The light in my soul. Some days I have glimpsed the man you might become: smart, witty, flip, sweet, sensitive -all qualities universally appealing. I understand your peers also sense these qualities, are drawn to you and love sharing your time; they are lucky to have you.
As cliché as it sounds, it seems as though 17 years ago is but a day gone. I can remember holding you in the hospital, staring at the perfection of you and feeling awed and grateful that somebody so truly stunning was part of my life. You were wiggly and joyful from the start, not sleeping in the hospital nursery but rather in my bed with me. You spent close to five years in my bed, me occasionally pushing you out, you always snuggling your way back to my side. You stayed by my side for a wonderfully long time: through your sister being born, me finishing college, our moves, the divorce, your brother’s birth, losing your grandfather. It wasn’t until this year that I realized how empty that spot has become without your chatter, sly remarks and your amazing ability to make me laugh.
If there is any wisdom I could share with you it would be the concept of how precious time truly is. There are so many days when we grit our teeth, roll our eyes and yearn to be anywhere than where we are. But where we have been, and I speak of our family here, is an amazing place. I wish you flight and freedom, but as you roam I hope you take the love we have shared and hold it dear through your travels.
I love you, Lo. Your and your sister and brother’s childhoods have been the most lovely parts of my life, I have been beyond blessed to have the beauty of all three of you. Thank you, my dear friend. I look forward to more years, years when the journey maybe isn’t quite so bumpy.
Please know I am always here for you.
Mom
