” Hi, my name is Heather and I have a teen. Well, a teen and a ‘tween if we’re being specific here. I am ragged and beaten. There are times I fantasize about going to the store for a gallon of milk and not coming back to them. I think about getting on the highway and heading West. To Las Vegas. Reno. Anywhere but here.” This is what I would say if I were to attend my fantasy support group for those of us who parent teens or almost teens and who are flailing about, seizing at any life raft possible. They would nod their heads in sympathy, they too would half puffy eyes from crying in the car and bruises on their foreheads where they beat their heads on their steering wheels. They would have bare patches of scalp or eyelashes where they pulled their hairs seeking some sort of therapeutic release. These people would be compulsive pickle eaters and teeth grinders. My kind of folk. I would tell them, “Sometimes I want to tell my teen to shut up and just get the hell over it. That he isn’t the ONLY person on the face of the earth and that we don’t ALL revolve around him. I want to tell my almost teen that her behavior is outlandish and actually beyond bitchy. That I am NOT her secretary, clothing organizer or social calendar wench. I want to to tell her to shut the hell up and get over her bad little bitchy self.” At this my therapy group would call for a circle hug and then we would share gluten-free Krispie Kremes. We would laugh, knock back a few margaritas. All would be good.
Where is this group? I want to join it and attend every night. It sounds like nirvana.
When you find it…let me know cuz’ we will be needing it when we reach that tween/teen years…hell i might start going now, as having 9 year old twins has me thinking about locked closets & duct tape…but then I fear that they might gang up on me & stick me in the closet with the duct tape over my mouth…so for now I just pour myself a vodka w/ a splash of pomegranate juice & cover my ears yelling “nah…nah…nah”–I just might end up in that padded room after all!
I can picture them now, this group. Most of us would likely sport a muffin top or slumped shoulders. We would all twitch various body parts and be at a loss as to where to put our hands. But I like them all already. Having twins will be your own special sort of something when they reach that age. Wow. Good luck with that! Sometimes my only solace is knowing my kids are all singletons. You parents of multis are in a class all of your own! A glass of red wine is my coping mechanism.
i am sporting one of those over filled muffin tins where the muffin top is exceedingly huge…and the muffin cup is pinching at the waist!
thanks for your friday humor…btw i am easily swayed to a glass of red wine or half a bottle!