On my my recent trip to Kansas City for my college I wrote about my fear of being bulgy and curvy in unsightly places; I was worried that my other peers would not have ooze issues with their waist lines and obsessed over it far more than I need have. Of course once I got to Kansas City and Kellster Meister took me to various malls I did what I had to: I bought me a pair of Spanx. So excited was I that I had to stuff myself into them right there on the spot while stuffing my old panties in my shopping bag. Like so many things, the initial effort of insertion was the hardest. That coupled with the fact that the crotch area is all wonky and weird with a big slit in it, I guess for if a Spanx wearer is actually a dude or if a She Wearer might want to squat rather than use a toilet, and the installation process is a bit scary. But this is what I will say LOUD and CLEAR, Spanx are the best things to come into my life since sex. And they are far less dangerous than sex. They smooth my bulges while forcing me to suck in my gut. It’s like having somebody embrace you and tell you that you are gorgeous without having to feel the need to give a return blow job for the compliment. (If that statement didn’t sum up my co-dependency issues, I don’t know what possibly could.) I am sold on the Spanx more than I have been sold on anything in a good long time. Now, it’s true I haven’t worn them since I returned home. And why should I? I teach preschool, the kids are going to be much happier if I have a soft comfy lap than if I have a confined firm one.
Since my return home from my trip, where I must admit not one person raised the suspicion that perhaps my waist was not truly natural, I have discovered that other people are equally obsessed with Spanx. Some people have them in more than one color. Other mor than one style. I won’t name names, but I will only say that I am not alone in my secret.
