I’m convalescing quite nicely, thank you

Sometime over the summer I knew I had to get away from my life, not in an immediate fight or flight sort of way but rather a sometime-in-the-near-future-so-as-to-save-my-sanity sort of way. As the snowy months approached I knew my time had come when the mere thought of the holidays drove me to scratching at my skin and clutching at my chest in an effort to breathe. The long and short of it is that on Christmas Eve morning instead of thinking of dancing sugar plums, I was waiting in line at the Denver airport while a machine scanned my laptop. I left my three children at The Manor for Matt to pick up and take away to Utah for the week and I was off to Dixie for the next four days. Once through security I bought myself a muffin and some tea and sat down with a trashy novel to await my plane. I kept waiting for the pangs of guilt to wash over me even going so far as to call the kids to once more wish them a safe trip and a wonderful week. But the guilt still didn’t come. It wasn’t until the plane was taking off that I spied the Front Range mountains and felt the tears running down my cheeks. I could feel Cassidy’s scrawny arms around me neck, the softness of Devon’s cheek nestled against mine and the sweet weight of Loren’s head on my shoulders. And I missed them all terribly. Nonetheless, I didn’t freak out or ask the pilots to turn around the plane. And by the time we descended through the air into the warm humidity of New Orleans I knew I would be all right without my kids for the next four days. And I am.
Two days into my visit and I am feeling amazingly human. Spending a significant holiday in a place where I have no roots or ties has been a healing balm for my scarred self. It feels nothing at all like the Christmas times I have always known and that is exactly what I needed. No memories. No pain. Just here and now. I have spoken to all three children and have heard the syrupy elation of satisfied greed in their voices. Loren got the XBox thing he has been wanting, Cassidy got more presents than she could count and Devon is up to his knees in Cars stuff. They are happy. I am napping, sleeping in, drinking wine when I feel like it and showering in the middle of the day. Surrounded my a couple of my dear friends and their darling Curious George style one year old, I am out of my daily element and immersed in something fun and easy. It still doesn’t feel like Christmas but instead of feeling the need to flee I am utterly here and present.