Almost but not really

I had a fabulous post I was brewing in my head earlier tonight as I watched Devon play on his car rug with his felt Thomas the Train set. It was about the joy of living and the sorrow of letting go. But the fact of the matter is I spent the better part of the day with various financial planners and I am now fried. My mother had a couple of meetings today and asked me to attend them with her. I guess my previous life as a loan hostess comes in useful from time to time.
During these meetings we discussed what to do with this and that and how to roll over this to that and how to capitalize on the rest of that. Turns out my mom is A-Okay and all will be well, if not even sunny in her future. But the other side of her future is a past for my father. I am still not over that part of it and I don’t know if I will ever get there. It was so heartening to look at a future of good things for my mom and yet so hard to look at my father’s death certificate laying next to a 401K statement. It was too casual and too real all rolled up in to one. 16 1/2 months is not enough time, I am not sure there will ever be enough time. I just miss my father so damn much.
The gist of the now defunct post was all about the beauty of watching my youngest son play so freely on his car rug while I just wanted to cry once again. There is so much beauty in his innocent gusto. There is so much pain at losing my father. My father of all people would have wanted us to get on with things, and in so many ways we are. But he of all people would have also understood the need to hold on to what was really a good thing.