Only saucey pirates need apply

I have had a post noodling about in my somewhat consciousness for quite sometime, but as the months drag on and on it has started to bubble to the surface in a most nagging manner, so here goes: The basest fact of the matter is that I have not had sex in nealry ten months. Yes, that’s right. Count ‘em. One month for every finger, or toe, depending upon how you look at it.
The sex at the end of my endeavors with Matt was less than inspiring on either side. I had grown overly tired of the ever present stench of alcohol and cigarettes looming over me or wafting up towards me. And, I suspect, my curves began to be more than a pleasing handful for his more streamlined tastes. So the end was a drizzle rather than a firework display of misplaced passion.
This recent dry spell of mine is something of a departure from my previous ways. Since I was 18 I have pretty much had one affair after another. There has never been a definite distinction between any of them; fidelity was never one of my better qulaities, and so when push came to shove I was often the first to seek solice elsewhere. Not that I have been a tart mind you, just a girl with a short attention span and not much motivation to work through the hard times with a fellow -though I do think I gave it more than the old college try with Matt. But whatever the case or reason may be, here I am at the age of 36 with few possibilities for a pillow friend in my forseeable future. I live with my mother so I can’t excatly bring a fellow home. I don’t socialize much outside of the kids’ school functions. And though I have yet to find another dad that I fancy, I do draw a line on poaching on those men. I can’t prowl in a pool where the mama and pappy fish both swim -too much drama and far too many complications. And so I have my romance novels to keep me company. They are filled with dark, haired rakish fellows who at first abhore the thought of love but who later realize they cannot live the rest of their lives without that one eccentric female who makes their blood boil. A sad fate, I admit, but they keep me content most of the time. But when I am not reading my book candy I sometimes complie a list of the qualities I would someday like to find in a man. The list morphs from time to time, depending on my mood, but for the most part the core of it remains the same. Following are a few qulaifications, in no particular order of importance, I would like to someday encounter in a fellow:
1. Must be fun. Know how to have fun. Enjoy fun. Be able to conjure up some fun. I say this because I have more than enough un-fun in the last 14 years to last me a life time. No more months of agonizing over misery for me, thank you very much.
2. Need not smoke, use other tobacco products or feel the need to inhale other smoke like substances on a daily basis. I don’t want a fellow with stained teeth or lip cancer. Nor do I want to feel as though I am prohibited from using the bathroom or going downstairs because he is using the area for his own smoke-a-torium of illegal substances.
3. Along the lines of #2, a non-alcoholic would be lovely. Need I go on about that one.
4. A man who realizes that women are emotional creatures who sometimes have fabulous days and at other times truly believe the world is consipring against her would be nice. A man who can roll with the She Rollercoaster and extend some comfort on those days where there is not a single thing in her wardrobe that will suffice would be amazing.
5. I also want a fellow who is willing to have fun in the bedroom. I don’t need a daily song or a stripping routine. But a guy that would be willing to indulge me by dressing up in a pirate costume -complete with eye pacth- to either rescue me or pillage me, ah now that wold be some good times. In return I would be more than happy to don a French maid costume or a Charlie Chaplin get-up if need be.
6. Along the give and take lines, if a man were willing to warm up my car, take out the garbage and give me the ocassional back/foot rub without expecting the world in return, I would be more than happy keep him in clean socks and underwear and wash his backside in the shower.
7. I would like a fellow who has a sassy sense of confidence about him. He need not be arrogant, but a feeling of comfort in one’s skin is an amazing quality.
8. In my zest to create the perfect fellow, I am not for a moment thinking he will find everything about me to be perfection. But one of his more wonderful attributes will be to accept me for who and what I am.
Who and what I am at the moment is this: I have three amazing kids and the older two have made it abundantly clear that they desire no male other than their father in their lives. I am tired, suspicious, grieving and not the most stable of creautures on the best of days. I am finally smart enough to realize that hopping into a new relationship would be disastrous. Several years ago when I took up with the Southern Oil Heir soon after I filed for divorce from Matt I was horrible in a relationship. It was fun at first but quickly took a turn for the worse and I ended up not being able to stand the sound of his drawl after a far too short amount of time. So this time I am imposing a three year break time on myself, easier said than done when I count up the months of abstancy. And in the interim I will continue to think of my pirate.