Serenity prayers

With the help of my doctor I have been slowly tapering off my medications over the past few weeks and trying to function as a normal human being. When I stopped drinking coffee in September, I realized that it felt good to have some of the chemicals out of my body. I decided that getting my body as substance free as possible might just be a worthy endeavor. Although the medications I take would not likely work on a small child, my system is just wonky enough to be effected by them. I began about a month ago by stopping the afternoon dose of Klonapen. It freaked me out to take a daily dose, allbeit a very small one, of something that lurks in the Valium family.
Two weeks ago I began tapering off of Lexapro, my anti-anxiety medication. Then last Friday I stopped taking the small amounts of Lunesta that have helped me fall asleep since the day after my father died. So I have been prescription free for a handfull of days now. While I love feeling as though I am front row and present, life au naturel is a bit freaky and overwhelming. For one thing, I am not sleeping well. Last night I was awake until 4 a.m. I just simply couldn’t fall asleep. Lunesta is supposed to be non-habit forming, but I have to disagree. I can’t slip away until I am so exhausted I can neither think nor see straight. On the other hand, when I finally did fall asleep, I awoke feeling fairly functional.
Another difference is that I am not experiencing life as though I am snuggled up tight in a giant scarf that is entwined around my being. I can feel, think and concentrate like a normal person. I don’t feel the need to spend the day under the quilt in my parents’ bed hiding from the world. On the flip side, the anxiety has definitely come back to roost between my ribs. I have to force myself to breathe through every minute between 3:30 and 6 in the evenings. Cassidy’s needs are difficult to meet. Devon’s toddlerness is sometimes scary. Loren’s teen ‘tude makes me want to hide. And I can more acutely feel my father’s absence.
So I am just trying to live moment to moment. I am truly trying to look at it as just one day at a time, one hour at a time. Living with my mother has enabled me to get out of the habit of living in panic mode. By operating at a more basic level of existence and not having to worry about the sky falling in everyday, I am hoping to learn just how I can function without being medicated. Will it work? I haven’t the foggiest idea. I sure as hell hope so. Although the anti-anxiety medications have helped me to breathe and live through the last year, they have definitely taken their toll. Gaining 25 pounds in eight months sure sucked. Living in a human muffler has been rather stifling at times. I am just hoping to learn how to function and breathe -everyday.

This afternoon Loren, Devon and I went outside to play in the snow. All was well until Devon decided he absolutely could not function another moment in his giant crab claw mittens. Off they came. His hands got cold, and then he got pissed. He ended up on the floor screaming because he wanted to go out and play but his hands were bright red and not functioning. It was fun while it lasted.