Pharma heaven, or something not quite like it

One of the stages of weaning my neural synapses off of their SRI’s is the vertigo stage. I have felt it twice before. The first time was five years ago when I had been on Zoloft for nine months. I was so unprepared for the symptoms that I thought I was surely dying when the first wave of diziness hit. I had been in Mexico City and then Cuerna Vaca for a week to be in one of my dearest friend’s wedding. Needless to say we greeted the dawn far too many times, in a way I can only do in Mexico, with shots of tequila streaming down our chins. Upon my return home, I thought it might just be my body rebelling from a 7 day diet of tequila and rum. But after several days and still more dizziness I thought I was likely dying. But that was when my brother, King of All Pharmaceuticals, informed me that it was a withdrawal symptom. Good to know, I thought, at least I wasn’t headed for the grave. Last spring I again felt the vertigo when I went off of Prozac. Whenever I turned my head the room would spin and I would wonder if I needed to nestle up on the floor for a good nap until the tornado in my head went elsewhere.
The dose of Lexapro I have been taking was so small that my doctor wondered if it would even affect me. It did. It helped. But it also freaked out my shit. It was good to be able to breathe through all of Cassidy’s many daily demands and fits. It was comforting to not dwell on what Matt was doing this very moment and worry if he was pissed off at me yet again. It was a relief to not freak out about Devon’s toys littering every single bit of free floor space and yet be so paralyzed that I couldn’t clean them up. But the snuggly bubble became a bit too much, even on the very small dose of medication. When I get secure in that bubble, I tend to not come out for any reason. Paying bills? Nah, no need. They’ll come again next month. Exercise? No thanks, but please hand me a bowl of cereal in my bubble, it’s so lovely to crunch on my third bowl of the day. Laundry? Why bother? The kids can just turn their socks inside out tomorrow. And speaking of kids, good thing their incessant noise can’t reach me in here; that would just suck.
So I am again going through the vertigo. It’s not as scary this time around. Having never tried LSD or its cousins, I have to wonder if this is sort of like an extended drug trip. I don’t know. I don’t particularly care for this stage. The unkown of it scares me and I am very much looking forward to it going away. I think I have about a week of it left. In the interim I am just going with it. not much else I can do. And when it is done? Will I be that much better off for having cleansed my system of the drugs? I really don’t know. I do know that I can hear the children A LOT more now. Although I am not grinding my teeth, I often find myself clenching my jaws over Cassidy’s dramas. Yesterday I spent far too much time wondering if Matt was mad at me. And I miss my father with a peircing pain that sometimes brings me to a complete stop and takes my breath away. Is this better than hiding in my bubble and feeling almost nothing? I simply don’t know.