The E-Coaster

Two weeks ago I woke up on a Saturday morning and just could not bring myself to step on to the Effexor rollercoaster. I hade been taking 37.5 mg for two weeks at that point. Sure it perked me up and kept me moving all day, but it was just too much. My eyes would pop open at 4:45 a.m. and I would be in hyperactive mode until 2 the next morning. After two weeks of existing on three hours of sleep -or less- each night, I was exhausted. The problem was that even though I could barely slow down to catch my breath, my body just wanted a nap. So on that Saturday when it came time to take my pill, I told myself I would take it after lunch. We went off to a soccer game, where I peacefully watched our team get beat. We ran around doing errands after the game, then went home to eat lunch and put Devon to bed. While he was sleeping I organized the contents of Matt’s, Cass’ and my closets by color, season, length and fabric content (not at all an ucommonly freakish thing for me to do while on the E-Coaster). Once Devon woke up there were things to do, places to go, etc. and before I knew it, the day had passed and I had yet to take my pill. So I decided to deal with it later and went to bed at about 2. This sort of routine went on for a few days before I realized I just couldn’t bring myself to take it again.
For the first few days I felt so irritable that I thought I might scream every time I heard the word Mom and it was directed at me. After that passed I felt the room spin if I turned my head too quickly. But after about 10 days I could go to bed before midnight and I didn’t feel like I was in Super Fast Forward motion all day long.
I am fairly sure that the Effexor and Prozac are just about out of my system. Evidence of this is indicated by the following: For the entirety of the spring soccer season I have peacefully watched from the sidelines. In previous seasons Soccer Saturdays would bring a panic attack to my chest before we even got to the car to load up for the field. On days when I was the Designated Snack Mom I would fret over whether or not I had enough food and drink for 18 ravenous boys. On other Saturdays I would obsess on the fact that Matt and my mother would eventually come face to face and that HORRIBLE span of silent animosity that sits between them would bubble up and cover me. And other days the realization that I would have to carry on intelligent conversations with the Other Moms was just too much. Some of my most resplendant panic attacks have occured on Soccer Saturday mornings.
Today was different. I didn’t collapse on the kitchen floor, but I was completely entranced by the game. I was nervous for my little guy. I actually watched him play. I cheered. I yelled. I clenched my hands and had to pace to and fro on the sidelines. And it was fabulous. Loren played an amazing game, his last of the season. He plays right mid-field and today was a really good day for him. The other team was bigger, faster and older than his team. But today he had some great assists, a few headers and some Ronaldino (some Brazilian superstar) foot word. The loss bumped Loren’s team from second to something like fifth for the overall season. I am not sure how much they lost by because I can never keep track of that whole point thing without a lit scoreboard. But lose they did. But I didn’t care. I was actually interested in something, not just hanging out in some parallel universe where I could see but not have to feel a single thing. I was back, and panic or not it was, and is, a good thing.
After the game I took Loren and his best freind out to get a new soccer ball. Loren’s old ball recently died from too much kicking. So we went out to by a celebratory ball because I guess a little, almost big, guy needs a soccer ball by his side at all times.
I need to find a way to cope with Lady Panic. I don’t want to be medicated or numb, but I also don’t want to be a quivering blob on my kitchen floor. Before Devon, when I had more time, I used to do Birkram’s yoga. But I odn’t have three hours four times a week right now. My brother has recommended meditation and I going to give it a try, although I am not sure I can truly banish all noise from my head for 15 minutes at a time. But just for tonight all is good. Loren is happy and victorious with his new ball. Devon is slumbering in his crib. Cassidy is at a sleepover and I can actually feel sleep coming over me. Not too shabby.