I’ve packed up, hit the road, moved on…. It’s good fun.
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Struggling
I love Caloden. This blog has helped me through some serious lows and given me a much needed creative outlet over the past five years. One of the things I love about blogging is the feeling that I’m telling somebody a secret but that ear is annonymous and thus my accountability for those contents is nil- and once done with my divulging, I can go on about life without thinking of my soul baring. But at some point I noticed people started reading and then sometimes they wanted to actually talk about my posts, And that? Didn’t like that so much, especially when it made me squirm. Because really? It’s my blog, dammit, and it you don’t like the words then pissoff. Go find something else to do with your time. So I’ve not written much in the past year. I lost my ads. I stopped putting up pictures. And I’ve really missed the airing of my soul, so much so that I recently started writing elsewhere. But the truth is is that I like it here under this tree and I’m thinking about coming back now that the air has cleared and it’s mostly quiet again.
Posted in It's all about me
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Sugar isn’t really so sweet
Hi. My name is Heather. I’m a sugar addict.
There’s really no other way to put. If I could, I would avoid most all foods in favor of simple, melty-in-my mouth sugary foods. Not the good, quality stuff like dark chocolate. And I can’t eat high class pastries and cakes because most of them aren’t gluten-free. But give me anything gummi and coated in sugary crystals and I’ll suck on them until my tongue is covered in sores and my fingers are twitchy with need for more, more, more. It doesn’t matter that I know ahead of time I will end up sick to my stomach and shaky, the experience of rolling those sweets around my mouth is just too precious to ignore. The afternoons are the worst, inevitably somebody at the office has candy and sniffing it out is no challenge. Usually by 3:30 my gut hurts, my head hurts and my inner bitch is more out than not.
It’s a problem.
Today I’ve been sugar free for 8.5 hours. Yup. It’s hard. There is a basket of Hershey miniature sitting just outside of my office. The yoga pants I’ve been stuffing myself into don’t have pockets and the urge to grab a few and sit my corner to consume is ferocious. However. I don’t feel like crap, and that’s rather nice. Also, I don’t feel mean and petty. I’ve read it takes approximately 21-28 days to change a habit. That sort of time span without sugar seems absolutely staggering to me at the moment. No gummi peaches, no chocolate, no sugar in my coffee. Holy crap, I’m itching just thinking of the deprivation.
Posted in Food issues, suagr addiction
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Just here, right now.
In the last couple of years I sort of lost track of Loren for a spell. No, I didn’t misplace him or forget I had an eldest, but he was in the trenches of deep puberty and was finding his own him. Which is all good, he needed to do it, but I missed him terribly while he was at it. Towards the end of his absence I finally got a bit put out, found some of his “finding himself” to be overly indulgent and put my foot down. Yes, I pulled out my Mommy Guilt Trip , aka MGT. (Here I should insert that throughout his life Loren and I have been closer than most, he and I lived alone for spells at a time when his dad and I were separated and he was four by the time Cassidy was born; our team of two has been a tight one.) I don’t use the MGT often, saving it for special occasions when I know it will hit the needed target and wipe out any resistance.
At the end of the summer I sat Loren down and said something along the lines of, “Here’s the thing. I know you’ve gotta find you, be you, live you. But you were 11 when Devon was born. You’ll remember everything about his younger years, but he will likely only remember the more recent years, the ones where you’ve been absent. Next year you’ll be graduated and gone and he’ll be here. And what will he have of you?” Ouch. I cringe even as I write of my manipulation, but the thing is? It totally worked. Whereas Lo used to arrange his visitation schedule so that he would be at the opposite house of Devon and Cass, he now spends nearly every week night staying wherever they happen to be. And this is wonderful, I feel like I have a full compilation of children again. But at the same time? Oh. My. God. There are three of them and one of me and I am beginning to remember how crazy it was with all three of them. The noise. The rapid fire questions from three -all at once. The anxiety of trying to answer all three questions, in the proper order, with the appropriate amount of thought devoted to each one. But I’m also basking in the energy of all three, looking at these beautiful souls and knowing that for these moments they are mine to share.
Next summer, or fall if that is the case, will come soon enough and Loren will be off to wherever it is he will fly. Last week it was an internship in Santa Barbara, this week it is film school with the winter spent on the mountains filming. Next week it will evolve into something else until he reaches the place and time just right for his future. Puberty has been a rough one, and that is an understatement. And however long these times of having all three of the children together will be what they will be: true, chaotic and dear beyond words.
Posted in It's all about me, Lo-Lo
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My grains
I’ve been getting migraines since I was 14. That means that periodically for the past 26 years my hands, feet and even once, my tongue go numb. My head explodes and I lose most of my vision for about 45 minutes. If that wasn’t fun enough, after that it’s as if a very large porcupine struggles for anywhere from nine hours to four days to get comfortable in my head. Fucker never can quite get himself situated and so he roots and digs, rubbing his quills on my inner cranium. All this while I try to maintain some sort of sanity and not duct tape the children’s mouths simply so I can have some margin of silence to quiet Mr. Prickles.
When I stopped eating gluten the headaches diminished considerably for nearly 18 months. It was heavenly to drink coffee, have chocolate, drink red wine, not fear a change in weather patterns. But now something has gone awry. I’m not sure if that damn porcupine just got a bit cocky and has decided his hibernation lasted long enough. Or maybe it’s living with my mother, I don’t want to say she cosmically digs her nails into the base of my skull and wakes the pointy beast, but… It could be parenting two teens, the older one has gotten easier of late but that younger she-teen? Oh no, she’s kicking my ass on a daily basis just for the sheer enjoyment of it. Then there’s the six year-old and his need to incessantly chat. About EVERYTHING. It could be that I’ve been waiting to go full time at my work for over a year now so that I can get benefits, thank you recession for that. Maybe it’s turning 40 and realizing the toll gravity has taken on my overly large bosoms. Could be Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my bff who always keeps me company and whispers all the above into my ear nearly every second of every damn day. Or, well frankly, the list is endless.
What I’m pretty sure my headaches are not: A slow bleed, I would have been stiff and blue 8 weeks ago. The Cancer. As my mother reminded me, I would have lost significant amounts of weight by now were that the case. She’s soft and honest that way.
Wisdom in all the right places
This evening Loren is staying with me without his younger two siblings. I have always loved these times alone with him, and even more so now that we talk about college or extended, overseas filming trips for him for next year. I’m going to miss him so very much.
Tonight our chat shifted focus from his life to mine and his insights were stunningly accurate. This boy-man knows far more than he lets on, sees more than I do. I am so blessed to have him for the time I do.
Posted in It's all about me, Lo-Lo
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Proof that I’m doing something right
On the way to school this morning I said to Loren, “So, cool thing. Next year you’ll be old enough to vote!”
I figured he might roll his eyes and pretend to be asleep, but instead he replied, “Yup, but I wish I could have voted this year.”
We don’t have cable TV at The Manor so I didn’t know he had been following the races. “Why?”
“Because then maybe we could have cut down on some of those damn Republicans getting elected.”
My God, I don’t totally suck after all! Sure, his father might have something to do with Lo’s liberal views but I have to think I get some credit for this too.
Posted in It's all about me, Lo-Lo, meaningless parenting drivel
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I voted!
I love to vote! Call me a nerd, but it is so true. In 1988 shortly after I turned 18, one of the first pleasures I had was going down to the the Jayhawk basketball house on the college campus and standing in line to cast my vote. Or course that damn Bush won. But still. I got to vote! I don’t entirely understand my fascination with it: I have little faith in our government, there is so much corruption it seems the issues that really need to be addressed get skipped over and ignored. Maybe it’s a by-product of growing up in a politically and legally aware household. My father-the-lawyer, and later the judge, often spoke politics and justice at the dinner table; the possibility of how our government could help the have-nots was often a topic, as was ways in which we could use the money spent on wars to help boost the inner structure of our country.
There was one election in which I did not voteand Catholic guilt from my negligence burnt a hole in my soul. The thought that my lack of get up and go contributed to a reign of Texan Republicans ate at me -off and on- for four years. So today I wear my I Voted! sticker with great pride. I have a skip in my step and maybe even a vague hope that the political see-saw won’t tip in the direction of a hell where the rich aren’t taxed appropriately, teachers and other public servants don’t need to have multiple jobs just to make rent and full medical insurance is a reality. Call me a dreamer.
In a feeling of optimism I have been listening to this song lately. I love the happiness it radiates from every line.
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Indulgences
Every year I buy, and eat, an entire bag of Smarties. I have a ritual of opening a tube at one end, squeezing the whole thing into my mouth and then savoring them as they soften and melt on my tongue. They rate as worthless in the candy world, no redeeming quality whatsoever, but I love them and look forward to the Halloween season when I can somehow justify my twisted little indulgence.
This year I put off the purchase as long as I could and happened to be in Wal Mart when the urge to indulge became too strong to override. Apparently this year Wal Mart aimed at super-sizing all the seasonal candy bags and so there was not a small Smartie bag to be found in either the regular or holiday aisles. I debated whether or not to hold out for a grocery store but in the end opted for the giant bag, contents something like 5,000 Smartie Rolls. And so yesterday I ate them all. Yup. No restraint. No thoughts about how my body would feel after a constant absorption of cheap sugar in my mouth ALL day. Just that need to feel those sugary discs melt in my mouth. I ate no other Halloween candy, I couldn’t because by the time Devon had treats in his bag my tongue was numb from sucking on candy all day. Needless to say this morning I woke up with the mother of all sugar hangovers the resolution that no more Smarties will ever again pass my lips, at least not the ones that come in giant bags.
Cassidy was The Red Queen this year. I was able to consume Smarties while braiding her hair and then forming 12 braid buns, inserting flowers and then spraying the whole shabang with gold glitter. Multitasker, me.
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